I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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