I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fuck appropriateness.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
