ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This baby is an asshole
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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