So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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