things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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