woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
