I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
