Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Houston, we have a blender
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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