I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
