i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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