The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.