Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm passing your future prison.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.