He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
