I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.