The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.