I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
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Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What changed your mind?
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Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.