i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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