There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
