When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
