i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
