I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
