Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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