I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
