how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am midnight drunk by noon
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
