My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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