Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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