I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize