the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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