Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I did not marry a roomba.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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