New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
