Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
