I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
