i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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