I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
