the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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