if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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