Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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