Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
