ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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