I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
