There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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