She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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