two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
