The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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