hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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