so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
