im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His hands were made for my vagina.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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