I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
