Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
