So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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