Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
