The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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