1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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