I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
that's an acceptable place to lick
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry about my life...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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