seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
