Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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