jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
