Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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